Healing My Voice and Gathering the Courage to Speak With Support from the Akashic Records

A cage with a bird sitting outside of it.

You would imagine that because I’m a professor of writing that’s been standing in front of a room for over 15 years that speaking must be super easy for me, almost natural even.

I would say, the act of teaching is natural, the desire to guide others and help them has always been within my bones, really my soul. However, the act of speaking things out loud and being able to facilitate a whole room of conversation and learning, that’s different altogether. And to read my written work out loud and feel confident in sharing my writing with others, that’s been even more difficult.

Academia taught me quite well how to stand and speak passionately about knowledge, information on the page that at some point also represented key moments in women’s lives. It inculcated me in speaking from a disembodied place - one where I literally denied the size of my body just to have the courage to stand and speak in front of a room about topics that I cared about in a cold, almost separate-from-me kind of way.

What I’ve noticed throughout my journey as a business owner, it’s that I can speak to educate quite easily, but when I must speak to the matters of the heart, or guide someone through a guided journey in energy space or a meditation, I grow quiet, my voice changes, my confidence is lost and all of a sudden I’m navigating spaces in my life I never thought even existed.

I wrote a Substack post a few months ago about an experience where I was doing an exercise with a mentor/ coach where she asked me to share a story. Her approach triggered something deep in my psyche that continues with me now. After that encounter I cried for hours and now, I have such greater awareness of the tightness in my jaw whenever it arises. It’s like a mechanical machine of sorts that literally keeps me from getting the words out - so I rush to get them out before I feel like the machine is going to suffocate me.

It’s exasperating and it feels like that when I write too.

BUT, you know when it doesn’t feel that way? You know when the time space continuum stops at my feet and all of a sudden I am transported into a portal where presence is all that matters? When my soul arrives to place itself on the page, when I allow myself to break with any and all conventions to write poetry simply and take up space on the page however it’s meant to.

It’s when I write in community with others just like me, women of color whose voices have been challenged, and yet, they’ve pushed forth, ensuring NO ONE was going to take advantage of them or NOT hear about the atrocities of systemic oppression impacting our people. It’s when I’m in the Writing Corner and when I find myself in deep relationship with nature - sitting on the grass, with a paper and a pen… sometimes my phone, just allowing myself to spill on the page without much purpose but to capture the moment.

I’ve been writing poetry since I was 12 or 13 years old. I loved the idea that emotions could be expressed in the most obtuse way that required no explanation. The power in the poem for me was how much could be captured in the smallest way possible, very tiny black ink on a page sprawling with white, inviting you to pour forth what it touches inside of you. Just a few key lines and your heart is captured forever.

As much as I have struggled with enjoying my writing in prose form, when it comes to my poetry, I am in love. I rarely doubt or fall into the crippling perfectionism of getting it just right. It is right and worthy of being here because I simply took some time to acknowledge the present moment on the page however it was meant to be captured.

My voice while it shakes as it makes itself real in the greater sense of the physical world, when it’s placed on the page, it comes alive, it transports people and me to places we never even knew we could see in that particular way.

Even as this is lovely and so gratifying for me and others, I have chosen to pursue this path of entrepreneurship and leadership. That requires me to step from behind the page, the digital frame of the laptop, to arrive and speak that which I could barely grapple with on the page.

I am called forth and in that calling, my relationship with speaking is forever shifting below my feet, asking me to have courage, because others have tight jaws too. Others have stories that require tending and sharing, and I am to be of service to them.

Healing my Speaking Wounds

Earlier this week I was lucky to have received the support of my fellow peers in my Akashic Records training group. They were able to channel powerful guidance on the following question I had: what part of me am I hiding that I need to share with my assigned group?

That question led to a whole set of other questions I hadn’t imagined I would even put forth for the group to support me with and we landed squarely in the space of: you’re not sharing the stories that matter (ohh yea the ones that hold a little residue of shame in them) and you have a fear of speaking, the throat is tight.

It was heartwrenching to be seen. I have spent the past 2 years writing and building my business around writing, but the stories I haven’t shared are the ones that have led me to my path of healing and spiritual training as well as guidance.

For some reason, despite all my work in the past 15 years, shame lies there, fear of releasing information about people I love who now exist differently, who through my healing, I see did what they could, nothing more, nothing less.

At some point I asked what I can do to move through this speaking block. I got some great answers, one of which was to simply start doing it, start speaking. They inspired me to go to my guides the next day and ask more specifically, what can I do to heal.

They were kind and said: you’ve already been doing it, you’re continuing to do it. Did you forget you finally started your YouTube channel? Do you remember the fear you had and still do about channeling for people on there? The fear of being as a channel? The ways you didn’t desire to share your thoughts on writing? You are in the midst of healing it and will do it as you continue to show up on YouTube and begin to share your story and guidance for people on different platforms.

I am always amazed by the guidance and grace of the records and those beings who have been assigned to support me. They can always take my hand, help me zoom out, and see the journey I’ve been on and all the ways I’ve been working on something for a little while.

My voice and speaking as well as sharing myself with others, they say is a process already in motion. After receiving their insight, I felt it, I was like, OHHHH, what if I decided this was the project with YouTube… not just creating a way for people to find me online and join my writing membership. BUT, for me to step into the shoes of the woman who practices using her voice. What would she wear? What would she do? How would she record these videos?

I’m left to remember as well what happened when I recently recorded a YouTube video for my July content. It was an oracle card reading for writer’s block. I had never really channeled that way for the greater collective and the clarity with which they came through was astounding; I could feel the Divine speaking powerfully through me. It made me see, ohh my goodness, they’ve been waiting for me. They want to get messages out to the collective and they’re needing vessels and channels through which to speak at this particular time in our history.

It’s a reminder and sensation I keep close to my heart as I keep showing up, worried, and scared to intuitively share the messages placed within me.

What Now?

I don’t know about you, but I imagine healing happens ONE time. All of a sudden after a session with a reader or entering the records or going to the doctor, I am going to walk out fully back to “normal.”

It’s far from the truth. Blocks can be removed, lives can be changed in a moment’s notice, and then…

We must walk the truth of exercising that new reality, new truth, and way of being in our everyday life.

THAT’S the true work of being human - to exercise the showing up differently after we’ve been healed in spaces that we initially trudged through NOT fully healed. These are rich fertile grounds for deepening the healing. We do not just get to go off and commit to life in a convent or the hills like a monk.

Most of us are meant to continue our spiritual journey walking amongst the ones we love and those we struggle to in a place that provides a great deal of pressure on all of us.

What does healing looking like for me as I venture forward in my speaking path?

I’m looking forward to brainstorming my August videos for YouTube. I want to consider the stories that feel too controversial or difficult to share and wonder, will I have the courage to share them? What would it look like for me to choose to share them? What do I want to wear and what rituals would help me arrive in front of the camera with an open heart and an open throat ready to get to work?

What about you, what’s next for you in your healing path? Do you require some guidance and support for next steps on whatever you’re working through? Book an Akashic Records Reading and get tailored guidance from your spiritual team. I can’t wait to support you!